Embracing Imperfection

I don’t know exactly when I realized that I was a perfectionist. I don’t think there was one specific moment, but rather a series of experiences that began to emerge about this part of me; a very late night finishing a presentation, laboring over insignificant details of a project, getting down on myself for making a mistake…the list goes on. 

There are two moments I remember, however, that have been pivotal in my thinking about perfectionism.  These moments taught me 1) that there was a deeper story behind my perfectionism and 2) that when I couldn’t let go of perfectionism, I was denying myself the opportunity to grow. 

Perfectionism: What it's really about
The first moment came when I was reading Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead. I remember sitting on my couch reading the section about perfectionism and having a mind blowing realization. In her book, Brown explains that perfectionism is about more than holding yourself to a high standard. What it is really about is protecting yourself from a fear of shame, blame or judgment. 

Let me give a simple example to illustrate. 

When my children were younger, I agonized for years about what they wore to school everyday. I wanted them to wear clothes that matched in color and patterns, didn’t have stains or rips and made my children look put together. To ensure that they wore what I wanted, I made it easy for them by selecting outfits for an entire week and putting them in one of those closet organizers with the days of the week written on each pocket. It drove me crazy when they would come downstairs wearing something else (likely a leopard top with striped pants or something to that effect). 

What was I afraid of? That the fashion police would arrest them? Maybe I was also a bit worried they would get made fun of by their peers. But deep down, the real issue was that I was worried what adults would think or say about ME -that I didn’t take care of my kids well enough and that I was a bad mother. 

If it shows up in one area of your life, it's likely to show up in others. I can name countless more examples in my professional life of when I sought to produce the perfect result all in a pro-active defense so no one had the chance to label me as unintelligent, not good enough or less-than. Brown calls this “armored leadership”. 

In his book Hidden Potential, Adam Grant discusses other perfectionist tendencies such as avoiding situations that involve risk or the possibility of failure. Thus, to keep up the perfect facade, perfectionists stick close to what feels comfortable, known and safe. If they do take a risk and make a mistake, they berate themselves endlessly and retreat.  Stuck in this safe zone, perfectionists can be held back from learning new things and stretching their capabilities. 

Again, this scenario is all too familiar. I once gave an important workshop and froze just after the first few minutes. I had to take a break so I could gather my thoughts and resume again. I was depressed about it for weeks afterwards and nearly vowed to never get up in front of a group again. 

How to overcome perfectionism: 

Brown and Grant provide a number of useful strategies for overcoming perfectionism. 

It’s not the height of the peak, but how far you’ve climbed (Hidden Potential by Adam Grant)
For instance, instead of armored leadership choose for daring leadership by focusing not on being perfect but how you can improve. In the process, extinguish shame with empathy and self-compassion. (Dare to Lead by Brené Brown). Shift the self-talk away from “my career is ruined” to “everyone makes mistakes, I’ll do better next time”.  

Let go, to gain
Adam Grant points to an important mindset shift: 
"To be disciplined in some areas, we have to let others go. Know when to push for the best and when to settle for good enough.” - In other words, when we choose to let go of the less important, we are choosing in favor of what is most important and will likely bring more success. 

There is beauty in imperfection
Many great inventions have come out of seemingly “imperfect” situations. Penicillin was invented after a scientist discovered that mold was killing bacteria in a petri dish. A swiss engineer invented velcro after examining burdock burrs under a microscope that had stuck to his clothing on a hike. A 3M scientist working on creating a super strong adhesive accidentally created a weak adhesive that could easily be removed without residue. This invention eventually led to the creation of Post-It Notes. 

What if we embraced being imperfect and intentionally created opportunities to experiment, fail, and grow? The possibilities are endless. 

My perfectionist days are far from over, however, learning the source of the issue and some of these strategies to overcome the negative consequences has made it more manageable for me. One way I know that I think differently about being perfect is how I reflect on my mistakes. I am much more likely today to ask myself: what am I supposed to learn from this? Building this habit has liberated me from the idea that “perfect” is the standard to live by. It's an impossible standard anyway.