​At my recent high school reunion, I asked an old classmate how his summer was going. He looked at me straight on and said “quite honestly, its hard. Summers are hard with the kids in an out of camps, at home and trying to work at the same time.” I empathized with him as a fellow parent, business owner and community leader, and also took a bit of comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. It was also healthy to see a man expressing some of the same sentiments I hear mostly from women.

Work-life balance is a common topic of conversation and one I hear frequently regardless of the circle of colleagues and friends I’m in. The challenge increases with age and upward career moves as the demands of children, care-giving, home and work responsibilities seem to pile up exponentially. Its not only the volume of demands but the quality of those experiences that can make anyone feel less than satisfied.

Like many people, I’m not a fan of the term “work-life balance". It suggests inherently that balance is possible and as we all know, it really isn’t. And contrary to common belief, those experiences aren’t compartmentalized. Feeling stress at work influences home-life and vice versa. Further, there is a more nuanced cause of those unsettled feelings.

The Gallup organization (of the Gallup Poll), has found in its research that the work-life balance conversation can be better framed around the idea of overall well-being. They break down well-being into five categories.

Career - you like what you do every day
Social - you have strong relationships
Financial - you manage your money well
Physical - you have enough energy to do the things you want
Community - you like where you live

What most attracts me to this framework is that it takes away the focus on time as the most significant factor in how we measure our lives.  Instead, the measure of overall well-being is the quality of each area.

So what’s the connection between leadership and well-being? The old way of thinking is that how someone feels about their well-being is a personal matter. That belief doesn’t hold up according to the Gallup poll research. They have found that how someone feels about their career is the most significant factor in how they measure their well-being. Second, how someone feels about their career is largely impacted by their work environment and especially the quality of their manager. Third, a poor working environment leads to dis-engagement and ultimately costs the global economy upwards of $8.8 trillion according to the latest State of the Global Workforce: 2023 Report.

The evidence is clear: addressing well-being is critical for company success. And the first place leaders can start is with themselves.

At the 2023 Women Leading Travel and Hospitality Summit in Nashville, Tennessee I gave a workshop on how to start addressing well-being called Banishing Balance: A New Paradigm for Personal and Professional Success. Sign up for my complimentary course which includes the workshop background presentation and practical information and exercises to get you started on a path to improved well-being. 

Who isn’t attracted to the idea of achieving work/life balance? Every where I turn there are articles like “10 steps to achieve work/life balance” or seminars that promise if you undertake certain methods or strategies all your work/life balance problems will be solved. What does it even mean?

For me, work/life balance has meant somehow giving equal attention to work priorities, family and my personal needs.  To achieve this goal, I’ve tried everything. I’ve believed that if I adopted certain strategies especially around time management that I would get there. I’ve used to-do lists, blocked off time in my calendar, created special spreadsheets based on Stephen Covey’s 4 quadrants and set SMART Goals. Inevitably, I’ve aborted every single strategy because 1) they took up a lot of my valuable time and 2) they didn’t really move the needle. I mostly ended up right where I started: frustrated and hopeless.

It wasn’t until I became a leadership coach, which involved a lot of personal and professional development before I could coach others, did I understand why my goal of achieving work/life balance was so elusive. The problem is twofold. First, focusing on time management strategies only addresses the symptoms of bigger problems and not the root causes. For instance, I can have the best of intentions to block time off in my calendar for weekly exercise, but if I repeatedly override those blocks with meetings because I feel like I can’t say no, then there is a deeper mindset issue at play.

Second, focusing on specific outcomes like balance keeps us trapped in a specific definition or goal. If we don’t achieve that definition, then we just feel even more frustrated. Striving to achieve balance is a perfect example. Giving equal attention to all areas of our lives at all times is impossible. And each time we set that standard, we set ourselves up for failure.

Establish new beliefs
The solution is also twofold. Instead of focusing on specific strategies, address the underlying source of why you are not able to make the choices you want to. Usually, these are beliefs and mindsets that creating obstacles for those choices. Establish new beliefs and mindset shifts that will allow you to make the right choices. Here are a few beliefs that I’ve addressed in my life:

Let go of perfectionism and control
Perfectionism and control play a big role in my personal life. Breast-feeding my kids (or at least attempting), homemade baby food, homemade snacks to reduce plastic waste, perfectly balanced and healthy meals, making sure my kids are wearing matching clothes…yup all of it, I did (and sometimes still do). Perfectionism and maintaining control are HUGE time suckers. Slowly I’ve learned to challenge myself to let go of things that really don’t matter. A big win for me was that one night recently I was very tired and couldn’t bring myself to make dinner or even go to the store to find something easy. So I said, okay kids, go at it, you can eat whatever you want for dinner that you can make yourself…cereal, toaster waffles. And guess what…nobody died. Mind. Blown.

Set clear boundaries
Being accessible for my team at work has always been really important to me. Whether or not I’m on-site or off, my staff know they can knock, call, text or email and I’ll be available for them. But there are clear drawbacks to this mindset. I’ve found that if I’m not clear about boundaries, I’ll receive messages at all hours of the day or week and it prevents me from shutting off or focusing on my family. I’ve begun to shift this mindset and understand that I can still be seen as an accessible boss, without my staff having access 24/7. If I communicate when I’m available and when I’m not, team members can still get what they need without too much delay.

Give yourself permission
“I can’t possibly do that…” I can’t tell you how many times that phrase has gone through my head. I subconsciously tell myself that I’m not allowed to do certain things because what would other people think? Or because other people don’t do it that way. Or because people expect something different from me. A perfect example of this was how I design my work week. I was convinced that I had to work in specific places, at specific times etc. It took coming close to burnout after a hotel expansion project to give myself permission to do things differently. My life has drastically changed because of it and I believe my business not only hasn’t suffered, but has thrived.

Move towards a feeling
Second, instead of focusing on a specific outcome, establish how you want to feel. Focusing on how you want to feel, allows you to open up more doors and possibilities. Overtime I have found that what’s most important for me is that the time I spend on anything is about quality over quantity. I’ve let go of counting hours and put my time in where it is most meaningful. At work, this means being there for my team when we have staffing gaps. At home it means carving out time before and during dinner so that my kids can tell me about their day. I’ve discovered that more than anything, the way I want to feel is fulfilled and that I’ve made a meaningful contribution to the people that matter to me. The best part is that focusing on this feeling has residual effects. I make decisions easier, I’m present, I’m healthier and I’m downright a better mom and leader. 
​
So what about those strategies and outcomes? Do they have no purpose? Strategies and outcomes are important, however, they are secondary rather than primary forces of change and improvements. They are supportive rather than causative. I have found that addressing limiting beliefs and knowing more generally how I want to feel have given me so much guidance in making choices, that I often need far less strategies and specific outcomes to get where I want to be in work and life.